When I was young there were several instances when, not by my own choice, had the opportunity to venture to the emergency room to receive care needed to return myself to good standing with my health. These memories usually include me being ushered into a car by my mother, driving to the nearest hospital, and then waiting for the doctors and nurses to work their magic before returning home to finish the recovery process. And of course these journeys usually took place at ungodly hours in the morning when no sane person is out and about enjoying the deafening quiet that exists at such time.
As I got older in my life I looked back on my experiences and realized something that, at the time of crisis, I overlooked. If you note in the above paragraph there was mention of my trips with my mother and yet no notice of travel with my father. I have no memories of my father ever taking me to the hospital when the occasion called for it. This was somewhat strange to me as I looked back and began to wonder. I had the opportunity once to talk about this with my parents and gained a little bit of insight into the man my father truly is.
When I asked him why he never took me to the hospital when the wondrous events of life conspired to direct me on that path. His reply was simple and made a lot of sense to me. "It is too hard for me to see my children in pain and discomfort and not be able to do anything about it." At the time when he said this it made sense to me and I thought I understood what he meant. And I have to admit it did give me a little bit of insight into the heart of my father . . . on a logical level.
But the matters of the heart are not logical, necessary. Emotions that we feel don't always make sense. But the are real nonetheless. So as I heard this from my father I began to think about what he said and understood it sensibly. However, it wasn't until much later (yesterday) that I began to understand on a more emotional level.
I haven't had the opportunity to have children. I'm still trying to find a willing woman that can help me out with that as I don't have the necessary parts to complete this task. However, I have my own type of children in the form of my pets. I have had pets over the years as I lived at home but the animals which I share my life with now have been with me since I've been away from home. They have lived with me in various different parts of the U.S. and experienced the ups and downs that I have experiences through the last decade or so. Needless to say I have opened my heart to them and they are just like my own children.
Yesterday my little boy, Ace, started acting odd. He wasn't eating, wasn't very active, and started throwing up. I did what I could to help him get comfortable and encouraged him to the levels of activities I am used to him exhibiting on a daily basis. We went for a car ride, went for a hike and I even offered him some french fries (a truly special treat that he usually loves). Nothing was bringing my little boy back and I became concerned. After the 4th time of him vomiting I decided it was time to take him to the vets to see what could be done. As we got in the car and headed down the road, he laid his head down and rested the best he could. My heart began to ache for him and I wanted to do anything and everything I could to take his pain and discomfort. And yet as the miles passed away I found the frustration and helplessness grow inside me. At the vets they gave some medicine, rehydrated him and told me to watch him for the next little while. Back in the car we drove home, again with my boy resting as comfortably as he could.
Through this experience, some of the hardest moments I have faced were when my dear sweet Ace looked up into my eyes, with his, looking so sorrowful and seemed to plead, "Please help me. I don't feel well at all. Help me Dad." My heart has been engaged since that time and I can honestly say I understand why my father never took me to the hospital. The feeling of helplessness is almost overbearing and there is nothing you can do to fix things. The emotions that come through your heart are not pleasant and very powerful and yet they are mine to experience. For through this experience I learn to love even more.
This experience also brought to mind a little more understanding of what God must have felt as he watched his only begotten son go through the torture and suffering for the rest of his children. My finite mind does not even begin to comprehend the level of love that God is able to possess and show. I know it's there and it is real. It's kind of like understanding the universe exists and yet my simple brain can't even begin to fathom the vastness that is space though through pictures and information provided by the modern day miracles I can begin to have a very small understanding. So it is with God's love for His children. Through this experience I have gained a little further understanding and comprehension of the vast love that God possesses.
And so to my father here on earth I would like to say thank you for the love you have for me, both expressed and not expressed. Thank you for helping me to better understand the love a father can have for his children and more importantly, thank you for helping me to better understand the love that God has for me. And thank you for having such a tender heart that allows you to feel so deeply.
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