3 ways to be a better friend to yourself

1. John had been watching Kathy for a while now and had come to really admire her.  She was beautiful, kind to others, and also one of the most popular girls in his school.  He thought about asking her out a few times but then always talked himself out of it thinking he didn't have a chance with her.  Finally after quite the pep talk to himself and a few deep breaths he decided it was time to take a chance and ask her out.

"Kathy?" he asks with a slight quiver in his voice.  He feels his heart begin to pound even harder as she turns around to face him, her hair moving in slow motion and so elegantly.  He feels his hands getting wetter and his breathing getting faster and shallower.

"Oh, hey John," she replies.

"I was wondering if you might be interested in going out sometime with me?"

The silence that follows is deafening and seems to last for hours.  John is barely keeping himself in the present moment as his head begins to swim and he contemplates running away or just passing out right then and there.

"Um, I'm really sorry John.  I'm dating someone already.  I'm so sorry"

"Oh, I understand.  It's okay.  I just thought I'd ask," John replies trying to hide the cracking and breaking of his heart as well as the blood rushing to his face so everyone knows how embarrassed he is.  "Well, I'll see you later."  He turns away and tries to act as though the world is still okay and that his innards aren't trying to escape through every orifice in his body.

John finally finds someone he can talk to who he considers a good friend and shares the story of his daring adventure into the dating world.  Never imagining what would come next John is hoping for a sense of relief and compassion from his friend.

"HA HA HA!!! You tried to ask out Kathy?  HA HA HA!!!  That's a good one.  What makes you think she would ever consider going out with you?  She could go out with any guy she wanted to.  HA HA HA HA!!!  Imagine her going out with you?  She would never be that desperate!"

About now you might be wondering what kind of "friend" this jerk is and why he was so mean to John.  I'm sure you are thinking to yourself, "Man, I wouldn't ever hang out with this guy.  What a jerk!" or something along those lines.  We find it incomprehensible that a "friend" would treat John this way.  There have to be so many other who would be better for John to talk to.  We pretty much would all agree this isn't much of a friend to John at all.  Would your thoughts change if you knew this was the conversation John had with himself?

We tend to be our own worst critics and we are often the meanest ones to ourselves.  Did you think the same thing about John when you knew they were his own thoughts or did they change?  Did you become more empathetic and feel for him?  Often time when something happens that hits our emotional core we tend to beat ourselves up even more.  We wouldn't dream of accepting that kind of behavior from others and yet we lead the charge when we do it to ourselves.  One of the best things we can work on is truly becoming a good friend to ourselves.  We can support ourselves, understand and accept ourselves and comfort ourselves when we need it.  It's not a natural experience at first.  With practice we can actually become one of our own best friends and be able to wade through the afflictions of life with a good support by our side.  Ourselves.

2.  Running down the basketball court Ben was on the move and had a clear path to the basket.  Quickly in his mind he played out the rest of the moment with himself driving toward the basket, bouncing the ball between his legs, around his back and then laid into the hoop with such elegance and grace that people would swear he belonged in the NBA.  Just as the crowd begins to cheer him on urging him to complete this sequence of events he stumbles, loses the ball and ends up on his hands and knees while his teammate picks up the ball and goes in for an easy 2 points.  Embarrassed and ego bruised Ben looks around at people who are looking at him with smiles on their faces and a couple of fingers pointing at them.  He quickly leaves the court to find a dark hole in which to hide in until the game is over, the crowds are gone, and no one will see him limp back to his home where he will hang his head in shame.

"I'll never be as good as Michael Jordan at basketball.  I just plain suck.  I don't even know why I play.  If I was as good as Michael no one would ever laugh at me.  I can't do anything right."  With head hung down he heads home to continue his wallowing and swears he will never play basketball again.

Michael Jordan was indeed a great basketball player.  He was gifted and talented and put in many many hours of practice to be able to do what he did on the court.  Ben plays pickup games every Wednesday night with a youth group at the local gym.  That's about the only time he touches a basketball.

We often fall prey to the idea of comparison to others.  In Ben's case, we are comparing apples to automobiles.  They aren't even close.  And yet how often do we do this?  We find someone that is a professional at something (or really gifted and talented) and we look at our abilities in this one area and realize we don't excel as well as they do and therefore it means we are not at worthy.  We call this comparing our blooper reels to their highlight reels.  This has become even more prevalent with the advent of social media.  We see posts of people and their perfect families, perfect homes, and perfect meals and believe that somehow since our home has toys all over, our family argues at least once a day, and my dinner was considered elegant because I put hotdogs in the mac and cheese that we are somehow less than.  There are a few problems with this kind of thinking which hopefully are obvious.

But what about this thought?  They are not me.  I will never be Michael Jordan, Brad Pitt, or even Bill Gates.  And you know what?  They will never be me.  They all have areas of their lives where they are talented and have excelled.  They also have areas of their lives where they struggle and fall short of what they want.  I also have areas of my life where I can excel and be successful.  I have areas where I may fall short of what I want.  The only thing that really matters is am I trying to be the best ME I can be?  You see, if I were to line up all the actors in the world, have them follow me for 5 years getting to know my thoughts, behaviors, and feelings and then had them audition for a part in "The Life of Jason," they could all do a very good job at trying to be me.  Imagine the casting call.

"Hello Brad.  We're reading for the part of Jason today.  When I say action, be Jason.  ACTION!"  Brad does his best.  "CUT! Okay.  Thanks.  Tom!  How's it going?  Today we are going to be reading for teh part of Jason.  When I say action, be Jason.  ACTION!"  Tom does his best."  CUT!  Thank Tom."  And so it goes for each of the actors.  Finally at the end the director looks at me and says, "Jason, I want you to try out for the part.  When I say action, be yourself.  ACTION!"  I stand there awkwardly wondering what I'm supposed to do, say, or be.  I fidget a bit.  I might even stammer a couple of "ums" or "uhs" in there.  Finally, "CUT!!!  That was awesome Jason.  That is the best Jason I have seen today.  Um, I said cut.  You don't have to try anymore.  Jason, I said cut.  Stop being yourself.  CUT!"  Seems kind of ridiculous to try and stop being me, right?  Well, why should I think to be anyone else when I am the very best me there will ever be?  And who gets to decide who that me is?  ME!!!

3.  Mary is sitting with a bunch of her friends at the local Taco Bell when a group of young men come in and start talking with everyone.  She recognizes them from her school and from church where she often will say a word or two to them but really hasn't engage in any meaningful conversations with them.  As they all start talking she pays attention and nods a few times but keep her verbal utterances to a minimum.  Finally the suggestion is made that they all go to the bowling ally to bowl a couple of games together.  With excitement everyone begins gathering their things together and one of Mary's friends turns and inquires, "Are you going to come?"

"No, I should get home.  I'm not a very good bowler anyway."

"Ah, come on Mary.  It will be fun.  The last time I went I dropped the ball on my foot and Penny threw her ball backwards.  It's just to have some fun.  Plus, I think I saw one of the boys eyeing you.  Come with us!"

"Thanks but I'll be okay.  I'm just going to head home."

As her friends leave with fits of laughter and joyful noises Mary lingers behind for a bit watching them all go.  "I guess I'm just not meant to have any fun," she thinks to herself.  "I mean, if they really wanted me to be there they wouldn't have gone without me."  She slowly gets up and meanders home all the while thinking of all the reasons that no one really cares about her.

Often we find ourselves sabotaging the opportunities we have in our lives because of our own self-doubts.  We build up a narrative in our minds that we are uniquely different in various negative ways and then proceed to act and think them into existence.  Mary has a hard time believing the people would enjoy her company so when she is asked to join she declines the invitation.  When her friends move on the idea that no one wants to be with her is supported and she believes it even more.  Self-fulfilling prophecies almost never are done in a positive way.  We take our perceived weaknesses and then do the research to support this idea of ourselves and take that to mean that it's all true.  Imagine if Mary thought of herself as someone who is worth spending time with and who others truly would like?  How would her life be different?  How would she act differently?  How would your life be different if instead of trying to substantiate the worst parts of yourself, you researched the best parts of yourself and focused on those?

Try to picture yourself as being confident in who you are, accepting of your faults knowing you are working to be better with them, and understanding that you are the only you in the world and will always be the best at it.  How would you life be different?  How would you be different?  There are a lot of wonderful people in the world who are great friends.  The best one is right there within you.