Walt Disney did a wonderful job at bringing stories to life of princes and princesses finding their happily ever after through true love. Children are brought up on these stories having thoughts and dreams of their own adventures with true love. Then . . . we grow up. As adults we don't have the fairy tales in our minds any more. Instead, we turn to romantic comedies and other romance stories that lead us to believe that all you need is to find your one true love and then you'll be able to overcome anything in this world. Men can be rude, crude, and disrespectful until they meet that one special girl that turns them around. Women can be mean, spiteful, and vindictive until they meet the one man who touches their hearts and convinces them they are in love. Usually this ends up in a hot steamy scene where the couple make passionate love and then life is wonderful from then on out. Oh, if this were only the case. Let's go on a journey through 7 myths of true love and how they can actually make us miserable.
Myth 1: I can't help who I fall in love with. True love isn't a choice.
Reality: This is one of my favorite myths people believe in. In my experience as a therapist I have heard several times where someone who is in a committed relationship "all of a sudden" finds themselves deeply in love with someone else and has either cheated or is looking to end a long-term relationship for this new found love. Or the other side is someone finds that they are deeply in love with someone who is in a long-term committed relationship and tries to convince the other person they need to end their relationship to start anew with this new found love. People will often say they couldn't help it, it just happened. True love is not something that happens all of a sudden. True lust does and is often confused with true love. We build our love for something based on the experiences we have and the thoughts we put toward them. What people mistake for true love is in essences our placing extra emphasis on the positive experiences or fantasies we have built up about a person while ignoring or diminishing the parts of the person that we don't care for. We see this when friends and loved ones try to warn us about the attitudes and behaviors of another while we see nothing but prince charming or our lovely princess. True love comes about when we spend time focusing on the good aspects of someone while also recognizing their imperfections and accepting them as they are. Have you ever broken up with someone because it was a bad relationship and it wasn't going anywhere only to find yourself wondering if you have made a mistake? Do you find yourself thinking of all the good times you had and ignoring the things that made you break up in the first place? This is an example of how our thoughts influence the way we see and feel about another. If you are questioning the status of your relationship and wondering if you are in love, try setting a picture from a time when you were happy and in love and write a letter to your loved one explaining why you fell in love with them and what you like about them. When you start to think negatively about the other person, replace it with a positive memory you shared with them. See where your thoughts and feelings go with this.
Myth 2: My true love will remember everything important to me and know what I want without being told.
Reality: I know a woman who believed she had found true love and was blissfully happy until her beloved failed to remember the 3 month anniversary of their first date. With shock and awe she questioned the extent of his love for her and wondered whether or not they could remain together. When her friends tried to encourage her to speak to him about this, she replied if she had to tell him it didn't count. If he truly loved her he should just know. Now if you're shaking your head at this scenario, be careful. We hear stories about how couples "just seem to know" what the other wants and believe that's because they are truly in love. Most of the time, couples know what each other wants because they pay attention to each other and TALK to one another. My wife doesn't have to tell me anymore that she really likes chocolate. Not because we are truly in love and I can read her mind. She has expressed this to me on a couple (thousand) of occasions and I've paid attention (once or twice). Now when she says to me, "You know what I really want?" My first response is, "Chocolate." I'm right about 75% of the time. Well, honestly, I'm right 100% of the time. It just may not be what she was thinking at the time. None of us are part of the psychic friends network and able to read minds. True love consists of talking with each other and communicating our wants, desires, pains, struggles, thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of being judged or ridiculed. Try finding some get-to-know-you games and find out just how much you know about each other. You might be surprised what you find.
Myth 3: True love is simple and easy. I know it's true love because I don't have to work at it.
Reality: My sister has said on several occasions, "Marriage is hard, dating should be easy." I tend to agree (unless your an introvert like me and then dating can be hard too). Sometimes we get under the impression that once we are truly in love the birds will sing, the sun will shine, and life will go forward without a care in the world. That's true if you happen to be Marry Poppins. Or a Disney princess. The truth is, true love takes work to build and to maintain. It's like most things in this world. When you bought your first car that you truly loved and wanted did you stop doing all the maintenance on it because you own it now? Or did you put more effort into keeping it clean, changing the oil every 30 miles (just to be safe), making sure no one touched it without gloves, and never allowed any food or drink inside? True love needs to be taken care of, nurtured, built, protected and kept clean and pure. This takes effort and work. Just like a car in a car show that has been taken care of and is now admired by others, so it can be with your relationship. Take care of it and people will begin to admire the true love you have. Try thinking of at least 1 thing each day that you will do to build, protect, clean, or care for your true love and see if you don't start admiring it more yourself.
Myth 4: True love means never having to say you're sorry.
Reality: Unless you're perfect (and none of us are) at some point you're going to make a mistake, even with the one you love. The idea behind this myth is that if I truly love someone I will never do anything that will hurt them or cause them stress and therefore I'll never have to apologize for anything I ever do. Or they will never take offense at anything I do because they love me completely. Perfection would definitely have to enter into the relationship if this were going to be true. A wise man once said, "Don't look for perfection in a mate. They don't exist. And if they did, they wouldn't be looking for you." True love is learning to accept each other, even with all your faults. My grandfather jokingly told me once before I got married that the secret to a happy marriage is to wake up every morning and say, "I love you and I'm sorry for what I may do today." Go to bed and say, "I love you and I'm sorry for whatever I did today." And in between those times learn to say, "Yes dear." While said in jest there is some truth to being able to recognize when it's time to say sorry and be humble enough and willing enough to do so. When you find you've made a mistake, try just saying you're sorry with sincerity. See if that doesn't help build your true love.
Myth 5: True love is always passionate.
Reality: I refer back to the beginning of this post where I talked about the TV Shows and Movies that all seem to indicate when people are in love they are always in full blown passionate status. This is how they know they are truly in love. Sometimes we begin to question whether or not our love is still true or that we've "fallen out of love" somehow when we no longer are going at it like we're teenagers. The truth is true love is sometimes very gentle and soft like a cuddle under a warm blanket on a cold night. Sometimes it is ugly such as working together to clean up an exploded diaper that reminds you of the Bog of Eternal Stench. Sometimes it's hard like standing next to your loved one who is suffering and knowing you can't do anything but hold their hand. True love is a wide range of emotions that cover a plethora of scenarios. The constant is that you both are involved and working at it. Try asking every morning for a week if there is one thing you might be able to do for your loved one. Find the passion in serving the one you truly love.
Myth 6: True love means always being happy.
Reality: This seems to be a theme in life in general. There is a thought that the ideal life is to be happy and stay that way forever. Unfortunately in this life we are faced with several things that cause sadness, anger, and other issues. We are human, after all. If we were somehow to find happiness all the time it would be long before we started to take it for granted and we would begin to forget that we're happy. The same can be said for true love. My wife is very fond of saying, "I love you. We're not friends right now" when I do things that aren't to her liking. True love is knowing deep within your heart that you care for them while the other emotions play through. The key is recognizing the little things that bring a smile to your face and remembering them and focusing on them when the times are a little harder. Remember, if you don't experience some sorrow, you can't necessarily know what it feels like to be happy. Try writing down 5 things your true love does that makes you smile.
Myth 7: My true love will give me everything I want and do everything I want.
Reality: I had the experience of talking with a woman once who was getting ready to get married and made the statement, "As soon as I get married my husband has to give me anything I want." She was getting ready for a very big shock. The idea that if you truly love someone you will give them anything they want no matter what is as false as they come. True love sometimes actually means having to say no to the one you love the most. True love also means not asking for things that you know are going to strain the relationship. Those who are experiencing true love will work together to provide what is necessary. Try sitting down with your loved one and find out just what it is they truly want and see if it's something you can give to one another.
So the question still remains, does true love actually exist? Of course it does. You just have to go out and create it. If you think you could benefit from some further help with your relationship come and visit me at Inner Peace Wellness Center.
#truelove #marriage #relationships
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