Trying so hard!

It's not unusual for me to have an individual or a couple come into my office and start talking about the struggles they are having in their relationship.  There are a number of reasons given from lack of communication to "falling out of love."  Sometimes they are looking for ways to fix the relationship and bring it back online.  Other times they are trying to figure out how to move on and find something even better next time.  You know, the grass is greener scenario.  As we continue to look at the struggles and what it is people want they start looking at the areas where they failed, their partner failed, life failed, or love failed.  There are so many ways that relationships can fall apart and not be what we hope they will be.  It does tend to make one wonder how any of us survive.

One thing I have noticed over the years that really causes a lot of issues within a relationship is the idea of trying to be what we think the other person wants us to be.  We try so hard to be everything to them, to give them what they want, to be who they want us to be.  Then for some reason we discover that we aren't very good at it and we end up feeling a little less than thrilled to be in a relationship with them because we just can't measure up to what they want.  What we fail to do is stop and think about what in the world attracted them to us in the first place?   

All too often in our efforts to become something or someone that we think they want us to be we start to lose track of who we really are.  The kicker is, if we have been honest with the, who we really are is what they are attracted to.  In our efforts to make sure they are happy and don't have any issues with us we actually tend to create issues and push them further away.  It's very counterproductive.

I worked with a couple one who were struggling with their marriage and contemplating divorce.  They came in getting help and wanting to make sure they were doing everything right.  They both wanted to improve themselves for the other person to make sure the relationship was great.  They found it to be a marriage full of strain and stress, resentments and anger.  Needs weren't being met, desires were falling away.  Finally after some time they came into my office and announced they had decided to go ahead with the divorce.  Then came the shocking news.

"Jason, since we made the decision to get divorced, we have been getting along really well, talking with each other, actually spending time together and enjoying it.  Does this mean we should stay married and work on it some more?"  I could understand their excitement and desire to get back to the blissful relationship they were experiencing once again.  I could tell I kind of caught them off guard when I said, "Well wait.  Let's not rush back into anything just yet."  After the quizzical looks I went on to explain.  "You're having a great time right now because with the decision to divorce, neither of you is trying to be what you think the other wants to you to be.  You are finally able to just be you.  That's who you both were attracted to in the first place."  I truly believe had they gotten back together in that moment they would have gone right back to trying to be everything for each other and the marriage would have continued on as before.  

It wasn't until they were able to get back to being who they really were that they were able to find peace with each other.  Since that time they have been able to co-parent very well and are able to do well.  What the future holds for them I'm not sure.  They may both move on or they may end up back together.  Whatever the case, it's good to see them being themselves again.

Have you ever really thought about someone that you really admire?  Have you wondered what it is about them?  I can almost say with confidence they are someone who is true to themselves at all times and in all places.  You see, being true to yourself and understanding that who you are and being happy with who you are is the path to peace, joy and happiness in life.  People who are able to be of service to others and find joy with this are generally those who are at peace with themselves internally.  It's this internal peace that seems to allow them to go through all sorts of different experiences and still be a happy and joyous person.

I called my business "Inner Peace Wellness Center" because I truly believe that if people could find that inner core self, learn about them, love them, and then be true to that core they would find a peace in their lives that can't be had any other way.  I also believe that when this occurs and you get into a relationship it's much easier to just be who you are and not fall into the trap of being who or what you think someone else wants you to be.  This is what makes relationships so great and able to withstand the trials of life.  Learn who you are and love yourself and this will open the door for others to love you and for you to truly love them as well.